It’s been so long since I’ve written. It’s been so long since I’ve set aside time to write out my feelings. How can I post on my blog that should be inspiring others with their faith when I was shaken for so long?
Thinking about it now… I was dumb and arrogant.
It is not me who inspires, it is God. He speaks to you, and He doesn’t need me to do that. Though, it is my prayer that He does, at some point, use me for His glory.
A few months ago, I wrote a devotional for our church and I confessed how I was feeling in it.
It was hard to put it out to the church body, to my church family, I was struggling with my faith. And in an heavy way.
But here’s another answer to my question… others were struggling too.
It’s okay to put my human flaws out there because I am not perfect. (I know this, but sometimes it’s hard to broadcast to the world. Right?) The only perfect one is Jesus. He is Perfection. Not me. I am broken, not enough, and not the only one who was struggling.
By keeping it to myself, I was being selfish. I’m sorry.
So here it is, my words of struggle… not only to my church, but to the world. I hope you find some comfort in it, I hope you hear God speaking to you, not me.
Psalm 139 Devotional
I had such a different vision for how I wanted this past Lent season to play out. I wanted a peaceful time with God, relishing in His greatness. You know, that perfect Instagram photo. Everything is white. An open Bible and coffee cup on a freshly washed comforter. Some flowers on a windowsill with the sun coming in. Pretty. Light in feeling. #lentgoals, am I right?
The time did not pass that way. It was anything but pretty or light, as hard times seemed to be taking hold of my loved ones. In response to the events happening around me, I became fragile. And as much as I hate to admit it, I became angry. With God. The entire season seemed like an attack on people I loved.
I looked for reasons not to go to church because I knew the second the music started I would be a mess. And when I made it to church, I was.
At worship my husband had to hold me up as I wept. I collapsed in his arms, breaking down over the emotions I had been experiencing.
We sat down after worship. All my make-up was gone, my eyes red from crying. The sermon that day had been on Pride, and I said “Derek, everyone is going to think I’m crying because I’m so prideful and God is breaking me of that!” We laughed together. And in that moment, Jesus started to help me come back together.
Psalm 139 says, “O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.”
Here’s the thing, God wants it all. He wants us to come to him with all our emotions. Do you think he doesn’t know them already? How little do we think of God to think we can hide our emotions from Him? How big we think of ourselves to think that we could actually hide them from Him?
He knows them already. Because He knows me. God knows each of His children.
He knows when I struggle and I’m mad. He wants me to trust Him with it… have you ever tried to take your child with you while they are throwing a temper tantrum? What’s easier? If you drag them kicking and screaming, or if you listen to them for a moment? If you let them cry into your arms, lift them up, and carry them with you, drawing them near?
That day, the healing started. I cried out to God, bringing him all my anger and frustration, all my pain and sadness. The day I let Him break me open, He was letting me speak, letting me give Him my pain. In those moments He didn’t walk away from me, He didn’t drag my toddler-self along. He held me, picked me up and took me to the next step.
Jesus knows me, He knows what I need. He knows what we all need.
When we can move past fighting feelings, and take them to Him hopefully we will hear what He says in Philippians 4:6-7. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
The struggle has lessened. But only because I bring it to Jesus. Daily. I pray, read God’s word, worship through music all while trusting in Him. He has it.
Trust and Believe.